His favorite souvenirs? Letter from aforementioned Princess... and well, I had to ask what else:Laura: Aside from Cuban Cigars, what are your favorite items to bring back to Chicago from the islands?
Gary: Local newspapers. On some smaller islands, these can be a hoot. In one, there is an advice column written by an "island man," Love Vibes, and here is one of his actual letters and answers:
Dear Love Vibes:
I have got a serious problem. I love my boyfriend with all my might, but he has one "shortcoming" that I have tried to ignore but now find it's really starting to bug me. As much as I've tried, I find that I'm not being satisfied totally in bed.
Mind you, I love him with all my heart, and he is sweet and handsome. He treat me with respect and generosity and would never bite me with another woman, but I'm beginning to think I might need something more. What should I do? Should length really matter?
-- SaraFina of High Ground
Dear SaraFina:
Dump him. Here is why. Take our cruise-ship port. When the massive boats that look like God is on board come to island, they can tie right up to jetty? No. Why so? Because they too big. Jetty can't handle them, so they have to park way offshore and God have to take dinghy to town, which is undignified. And the farther these gigantic vessels are from dock, the smaller they appear to the human eyeball. So tell me, what good all those restaurants and jewelry stores and luxury suites and such on board if you look tiny to poor island people, the very souls you trying to impress? So here they are on jetty, thinking, Who is this coming to our quay in that miserable little skiff, God's cleaning lady?
Now, continuing with my splendid nautical analogy, imagine taking a Caribbean cruise in a rowboat. What you think? You ain't eating in restaurant with steak and wine and sorbet. No, gal, you going to be eating raw jellyfish and flossing with tentacle. The luxury swimming pool is over the side, and the only Lido deck you going to jog around is in you brain when it start to hallucinate.
You see what I am getting at? Moderation. Luckily, here comes a nice ship around the bend, just the right size, name of SS Love Vibes, sleek and handsome in the sunlight or under a full moon, it don't matter, just the right girth to slip into any dock nice and snug, and which will give you smooth ride and never make you puke. Plenty of onboard recreation, don't worry. Full speed ahead!
-- Yours in Spirit and Flesh, "Love Vibes"
It's also interesting to see, from our years of taking home local newspapers and comparing the old ones with the new, how small-island culture has changed over the last couple of decades. In the 1980s, the most serious crimes reported on police blotters were things like, "Mrs. Sanders' goat wandered into Mr. Gerard's yard and was found eating his dasheen." Now, even on out-of-the-way islands, we frequently see reports like this:
Miss Lilly Weatherbottom, cashier of Happy Shop Grocery Store at Cane SettlementVillage, reported being hit over the head with a cinder block and being robbed of EC $3.15 and a bag of salted pumpkin nuts. When asked by police if she got any kind of description of her assailant, she replied, "Yes, man. It was my cousin Ronal Henderson, who live up the road. When I get me hand on him, I will thump the devil out him. Then you will have a damn report."
Laura: You've had many strange encounters with animals of the islands—cock fighters, stray dogs…what's up with the animal magnetism?
Gary: This is a terrific question, because it lets me promote one of my favorite causes, saving island stray dogs. We've all seen these friendly, hardy, "beach dogs" wandering around town or on the sand. Did you know these strays actually are an officially recognized sub-breed? They are called potcakes (supposedly from their habit of eating crud from the bottoms of dishware) and they all have similar features because of their many years of in-breeding. Their presence at beachside bars and restaurants are as much a part of island culture as cocktail umbrellas and coconuts. The problem is, West Indians (perhaps understandably) don't embrace their dogs and cats in the same member-of-the-family way we do in North America and Europe, so they more or less leave it up to animal-loving expats to round up these sweet strays, neuter them, and try to find them good homes. On a couple of islands now, these loving and dedicated volunteers can actually send your new pet back home with you. Check out a few of these terrific Internet sites:
http://www.potcakeplace.com/
http://www.potcake.org/
http://www.potcakefoundation.com/
Or just google "Potcakes," and you'll learn tons about these happy, love-deserving pups.
Ditto with stray cats. Most of the smaller islands don't have animal-control officers and shelters we take for granted up north, so it's up to caring volunteers to round up feral or abandoned felines, neuter them and either release them or find them good homes. Check out:
http://www.pawswatch.org/
http://www.caribbeananimaltourismsupport.org/
http://www.pegasusfoundation.org/
As far as I'm concerned, helping these little guys is more important than helping ourselves to more tan lines, carved coconut heads, and piña coladas.
Laura: Who would you like to take to the Caribbean with you?
Gary: My cat, Babs. Because I miss her so much when I'm gone, I don't travel nearly as much as I used to. I would love to take her overseas with me, but she would never be able to pass a visa background check. She has a criminal record a mile long, mostly for soliciting prostitution. When I found her, she had set up shop in my garage with a sign that said something I can't repeat here but, as a hint to your readers, involved the color black and a slang word for both cat and a female sex organ. I've since taken her into the house proper, surgically removed her obsession for intercourse—a rehabilitation requiring not only an expensive operation but years of intensive psychotherapy—and have taught her how to type, in order to start paying me back.
Laura: Where will you be going next?
Gary: To the bathroom. I drink a lot of tea when I'm writing. I recommend Tazo brand Earl Grey. This is a no-charge public service announcement for your readers, so they can't complain about wasting their lives on the Internet.
Laura: Any future books or article in the works?
Gary: I'm considering a Rotten Person sequel: A Rotten Person Does Vegas. I just came back from there and am now sitting in abject terror, trying to figure out a way to cover the check I wrote to the casino. Speaking of which—another public service announcement—I was forced at gunpoint to see Phantom of the Opera, whose audience exit featured every guy slapping the back of his wife's head. Also, at dinner one night, who should sit at the table next to us but O.J. Simpson, holding court, whooping it up, apparently believing that no one in his right mind would ever deprive the world of his magnificent presence. This was three days before a jury decided he should spend the rest of his life pooping into stainless steel.
Maybe your readers would return my no-charge tea recommendation by writing to tell me what they think of the Rotten Person sequel idea. They can reach me at arottenperson@earthlink.net.My advice? Buy this book before your next Caribbean adventure! Enjoy!
