Celebrity Yacht Race - The End

It's time to wave farewell to our bold and brave celebrities. Across five thousand miles of wild ocean they have ventured, against tide, wind and wave, battling against the elements to compete in the first Monaco to Miami yacht race.

There is an old saying in offshore yacht races that to finish first you first have to finish and in this case the first to finish was also the only one to make it. But they were worthy to lift the silver urn and spray the celebratory champagne for Anthony and Flea from "Red Hot" have raced long and hard.

The chart above from the exclusive race viewer shows their tactics were spot on. Heading south after the Canary Islands but taking the north side of the course towards the end were not one but two great tactical choices.

Its also time to say goodbye to our guest correspondent, Buff Staysail. Its been a truly unique experience to share column space with one of the legends of the industry. I've had great insight into the workings required to create classic "BS".

For some final words on the race, lets hear for one last time from ol' Buff, posted from last nights race trophy presentation party:

Howdy folks! It's Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and Buff by nature!

I'm here in Miami beach where the Red Hot Chili Peppers are rocking a crowd of an estimated half a million. The winners have been back on dry land for under 24 hours and its been a non-stop whirl of press interviews, presentations, and parties, culminating in this, the celebratory gig.

The message they have is clear - this was not just a competition but a journey and one that has changed them for ever. They feel connected to our planet in a deep way, a meaningful way. They have seen the way we have despoiled our planets, with rubbish floating even in the midst of the widest oceans. They have seen the stars gleam bright in a sky unpolluted by the red glare of city lights.

They are not the only ones with Chris Martin and Sting off watching dolphins off Grand Canaria and with Marilyn Manson zen-like rejection of the competition element of the race in favour of experiencing sailing for sailing sake.

(And incidentally did you hear the story thats making the rounds of the bars here that James Blunt has been spotted alive having been rescued by a dolphin called Kat? Of course there are those that noticed the report was posted early Sunday morning so could be suspect but lets watch this space)

And as for yous truly I've learnt some hard truths. The incident in Ibiza with Sophie comes to mind and the one in Gibraltar with 50 Cents. My ol' ma in Brisbane had more than the odd word to say on both!

The 2007 Celebrity Monaco to Miami Yacht Race is over and its time to head off to what ever comes next. Its usually not hard to feel the anti-climax, to be let down now the race has become history.

But here in the warmth of the sunset, beer in hand, admiring the girls in their bikinis on their spring break its hard to feel bad about anything.

Thanks to all that followed this race and until the next time this is Buff Staysail, signing off

Celebrity Yacht Race - The Winner!

It was in the early hours of this morning that the Open 60 "Red Hot" crossed the finish line of the first Celebrity Monaco to Miami Yacht Race.

The two victorious sailors, Anthony and Flea, celebrated with the usual display of hand-held flares, as they were surrounded by their support team and adoring fans, who were still going strong at 3am.

It had been quite a crossing, a total of 33 days 11 hours 58 minutes packed with excitement and drama right from the start.

Behind the other competitors have not had so much luck. Second place "Old Farts" of Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart crashed into a reef while sailing at 9 knots. Apparently they had a couple of spiffs and then decided to have a "little nap" - so age is finally catching up with those old rockers.

Behind them the "No Knickers" entry of Paris and Britney, disqualified for outside assistance, have headed off into the Carribean to find an exclusive resort to chill out in and hopefully go shopping.

Meanwhile the news that both "Re-invention" with Kylie, Jay Kay and Robbie and "Definitely Will Be" with the Gallagher brothers and Madonna were disqualified for their crew exchange have resulted in those two also heading off for a mystery destination closely followed by the "Sinners and Sailors" with the Appleton sisters off making sure Nicole's hubby behaves himself.

Finally Marilyn Manson on "Ditta Von Teese" is heading further and further south-east and his Zen like mission to become one with the sea and the girls of Ipanema.

The positions as "Red Hot" crossed the line is shown in the exclusive race viewer, below.


We'll have an update from ol' Buff tomorrow, but in the mean time here's the final standings:
Notes:
1. After 33 days 11 hours 58 minutes
2. Outside assistance
3. Outside assistance
4. Outside assistance
5. Suspected illegal activites
6. Dismasted in storm then sank
7. Dolphin watching in the Canaries
8. Raving in Ibiza
9. Hit reef while asleep
10. Keep an eye on hubby
11. Didn't want to stop
12. Only one crew member
13. Only 1.36 crew members
14. Sank by entourage
15. Broken finger nail

Celebrity Yacht Race - Von Teese goes South

The Chilli Peppers on "Red Hot" are threading their way between the islands of the Bahamas, victory in their sight. Behind the rest the yachts in the Celebrity Monaco to Miami fleet are in hot pursuit, hoping against hope that the leaders will slip up.

All the fleet, that is, but one. For Marilyn Manson's "Dita Von Teese" is heading at right angles to the way home, heading almost due South.

Our own guest writer, Buff Staysail, got the scoop again - take it away BS:

Howdy folks! Its Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and Buff by nature!

The race organisers have been scatching their heads and consulting the head shrinkers as to what on Marilyn Manson can be up to this time. After - allegedly - having a helping hand in the mystery of James Blunt's loss overboard, he has recently changed course and is now heading not for land but towards the deep oceans.

To try and get some answers I picked up the trusty sat phone and dialed the number that many have fan have asked a pretty penny to get. It was a pretty far out experience again, so rather than putting any of ol' BS's spin on it, lets hear the man raw.

MM: mrrr yerrrs?

BS: Hi, Marilyn, its Buff Staysail here again. How are you?

MM: mrr.....rrmmm.....f***ing fine...... t***er on phone

BS: Er, yes, well wanted to ask whats wrong and why you're heading south?

(long pause)

BS: Hello, you there? Mr Manson?

MM: mrrrr... aaarrr.....fine....mraramgrr... peaceful out here..... mmmrr keeping going......

(pause)

BS: Does-

MM: arrhmm.....r..... Ipanema girls......rrmmm

BS: So are you heading for Brasil then?

(sounds of heavy breathing)

BS: Is there anything you need?

(line goes dead)

So there you have it folks! Shades of Bernard Motessier, as Marilyn Manson gets the sea bug and rather than coming in is heading back out.

Though of course Motessier kept going for his love of the sea, while Manson is off to see the girls of Brazil!

This is Buff Staysail, saying "Boa noite"

Celebrity Yacht Race - Approaching the Bahamas

The remaining boats of the Monaco to Miami Celebrity Yacht race are closing in on the Bahamas with the Chilli Pepper's "Red Hot" firmly in the lead. Their positions can be seen in the exclusive race viewer, above.

The news that Britney and Paris's entry "No Knickers" had outside help (a fully professional paid crew) has come in front of the international jury that was unanimous in deciding they should be disqualified.

The reaction on the boat has been mixed. Britney, started drinking, went on the wagon, came off the wagon, went into therapy, came out of therapy, started drinking again, lost her underwear, stopped drinking, went into rehab, came out of rehab, started drinking, lost the rest of her clothes, and was last seen locked in the heads.

Meanwhile Paris simply shrugged her shoulders and turned over on the aft sun bed. She was no doubt compensated by the news that by giving her name to a new range of Sunseakers, the Paris Party Power range, she has made another cool $5m without lifting a finger. And this is after spending the entire crossing doing little more than getting the perfect all over tan.

The same jury also delivered its verdict on the crew swapping exercise of Madonna / Kylie / Robbie / Jay Kay / Liam / Noel and it was a firm thumbs down. We can but wait and see how those boats react.

Celebrity Yacht Race - Podium Positions

As the fleet of the Celebrity Monaco to Miami fleet close in on their goal its possible to start speculating about podium positions. As can be seen seen from the chart above the leaders are fast approaching the Bahamas.

To increase interest in the race, the route specifies that the boats must sail between the islands of the Bahamas, which should lead to some interesting navigating.

In the lead is currently "Red Hot" from two of the Chilli Peppers. Close behind is "Old Farts" sailed by Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart, while the surprising third place goes to "No Knickers" sailed by Britney and Paris. Many didn't think the latter would get to the start line let alone cross the Atlantic.

But what is this! A news flash from our special correspondent Buff Staysail! Let's hear what ol' BS has to say.....

Howdy folks! Its Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and Buff by nature!!

Yes, there is yet another scandal from those wacky celebrities racing their Open 60s across the wide oceans.

In the daily update from Britney she dropped the bomb shell that she had just got married yet again! But how could this be if she was alone apart from Ms Hilton for company (a circumstance I for one wouldn't say no too)?

The race committee quickly sent out a spotter plane that noticed their boat was being accompanied by a support 60 foot gin palace of a Sunseeker.

Seems like Paris and Britney were staying day to day on the Sunseeker, only going over to the Open for the odd 5 minute shooting. During the stay Britney and one of the crew got close and were married by the skipper only a few days ago!

Now she wants a divorce and the lawyers are looking into the possibilities under maritime law.

Of course this means automatic disqualification - not the first but will it be the last?

I hope you show this photo I got of the loving pair, JP [Ed: no chance, not family viewing by any means]

This is Buff Staysail, signing off.


Weather forecast from Stormsurf

Celebrity Yacht Race - The Home Straight

Its the final days of the first Celebrity Monaco to Miami Yacht race and the thirsty crew must be imaging the beers lined up on the beach front bars. As they drink those first cold ones the victors will be boasting of their triumphs and while the losers will be drowning their sorrows.

For today some chickens have come to roost and some risky plays have come up trumps. The boats to the north have well and truly broken free from those to the south.

The two charts below show the positions of the boats overlaid on top of the wind strength and direction from stormsurf.

March 22nd:
March 23rd:
It is time to get the champagne on ice, for soon we will crown the winners.

Surely there can be no more surprises to come.

Celebrity Yacht Race - the day after the day before

The shock waves from yesterday's interview by our own sailing correspondent Buff Staysail are still rippling around the Atlantic.

The suggestion from ol' BS that James Blunt falling overboard might not have been an accident has raised questions and generated responses.

Mostly, it must be admitted, the response has been positive. The Gallagher brothers set the tone with their simple message to surviving, if suspect, crewman Marilyn Manson, was "Good one, mate!"

Across Britain church bells were rung to celebrate the removal of the 4th most irritating thing in the UK.

The race organisers have expressed concern about legal implications but apparently the yacht, named after Ms Von Teese (who's photo gratuitously graced yesterday's post) was registered in Sealand, who's owners response was that they were opening a bottle of champagne.

Meanwhile the racing continues, as can be seen from the chart of latest positions, below.
It's been an interesting tactical battle to watch. For about 10 days the advantage swung from the north to south side of the course, with neither able to gain a decisive edge.

Then in the last few days there's been signs of a break-out by those to the far north. A ridge of high pressure is blocking the fleets way and its causing nothing but problems for those trying to battle their way through.

Two boats are to its north and have picked up the next weather system that should accelerate them towards Miami and the finish. Another boat to the far south is still in the trades, and plodding steadily along, though slowing.

But in the middle boat speeds are stuck under 5 knots and frustration is growing.

Celebrity Yacht Race - Buff Scoops Blunt Mystery!

Yes, Buff has done it again. While the official Celebrity Yacht Race web site is keeping to the official line of no comment, he simply picked up the phone and rang the man at the centre of the controversy Marilyn Manson, sailing on the yacht named after his ex-wife Ms Von Teese (gratuitous photo of whom can be found above).

So let's hear some more classic BS:

Howdy folks, its Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and, yes, you guessed it, Buff by nature!

Its been a tough 24 hours for yours truly even if Miami has been warm and welcoming after a long transatlantic flight. And its out there in the Atlantic that all eyes have been focused.

Ever since Manson dropped his bomb-shell that he was now sailing solo questions have been raised about the where abouts of his crew mate James Blunt.

I'm a big fan of Blunts work as you well know JP and many the time I have sung that classic song "You're Beautiful" in the bath and down the phone to my old ma in her Brisbane nursing home. So I was quick off the mark to ring Manson and find out where my hero was.

It wasn't an easy interview. The gaps in the transcript below aren't because of fading on the shore-ship link, which was a crystal clear satellite phone, that just how Marilyn spoke.

BS: Hi, Is that Marilyn Manson?

MM: mmm wwar summ at?

BS: Hello, this is Buff Staysail, I'm a reporter

MM: yump mmt - what ...rrmmmr... want?

BS: I was wondering if you could tell me about what happened to James Blunt?

MM: F***ing c*** rrmmwa.... sang that f***ing ..rrmma.... song!

BS: er?

MM: mmr mfff mmyu ... sitting ... rrhh ... back boat... rrmmm. F*** sun...rrmmm.... setting. Rmmmr f****er started singing f**** beautiful. Mrrrr no way.... rmmrr big push... rmmww... splash.... f****ing c*** gone... mmmrrr

BS: Are you saying you pushed James Blunt overboard?

MM: rrmmm.... f.....

(big pause)

BS: So how do you feel, Marilyn?

MM: rrmma.... great.... rmmm remember... wife...rmmmww great times....mmara.... illegal sex ..... rmmw peaceful....

(another big pause)

BS: So any m-

(at this point the line went dead)

Well, that doesn't look good for all Blunt fans out there.

This is BS, signing off.

Celebrity Yacht Race - MOB Mystery: where is James Blunt?

News Flash!!

An update on the breaking story regarding a possible man over-board incident in the first Celebrity Monaco to Miami Yacht race. Apparently race organisers are very concerned about the current where abouts of James Blunt.

There were of course many an eyebrow raised when James Blunt signed up to sail along side rock star legend Marilyn Manson on the boat named after his ex-wife, Dita Von Teese (above).

The inside scoop from our Buff Staysail was that Blunt misheard the invite as would you like to sail "with" Dita Von Teese, rather than "on" and only found out when it was too late to back out.

According to race organisers a side comment from Manson suggested that Blunt wasn't currently on the boat.

More as we get it.

Celebrity Yacht Race - MOB Mystery

There's a mystery tonight on the first Celebrity Monaco to Miami Yacht race.

As the boats pass the half way mark across the Atlantic, there's rumour going round that there's been a man over-board incident. But as can be seen by the chart below, none of the boats have changed course or stopped or raised an alert.

More when we get it......

Celebrity Yacht Race - Update

No BS update today. The Buff-meister is on-route to the US to cover the finish of the first Celebrity Monaco to Miami Yacht race.

But it's worth catching up on how the yachts are doing and their current positions can be seen with the chart above.

It's been a frustrating couple of days out in mid-Atlantic as a weather system has rolled over the top of the fleet with winds dying out and coming from literally all points on the compass. They all will be hoping they are through the worst and can start the sprint to the line.

Celebrity Yacht Race - Competition Update!

There's been a rush of entries for the chance to win the "I'm in the Buff" t-shirt!

Almost all of them have come from the Buff-meister himself. He seems to have spotted that the description of the garment in question is identical to the one he apparently got made up for himself in Tenerife.

Now would I really try to give away ol' BS's t-shirt?

There's been a couple of impressive entries from Tillerman. Impressive but alas not right. There was, for example, no mention of Miss UK!

There's still time to submit your entries, so with this fresh clue give it your best!

Celebrity Yacht Race - Competition Time!!

Now the fleet are over half way there it's time for a competition!

The prize (*) - one t-shirt with "I'm in the Buff!" on one side and "Total BS" on the other.

These are rare (**) and possibly valuable (***) so enter now for a chance to win!!!

Just answer this question: "What is the connection between the All Saints and the American's Cup?"



(*) There are some rules but we're not telling you what they are
(**) To be honest I've never seen one
(***) Or possibly not .Who can say?

Celebrity Yacht Race - Boat Swap Scandal

Sensation Mid-Atlantic! Lets hand over for a BS update on the latest on the Celebrity Monaco to Miami yacht race:

Howdy folks, Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and not in the buff, honest [Ed: thats better]

The crew of "Re-invention", Madonna and Kylie have successfully rendezvoused with the troubled "Definitely Will Be", packed to the gills by an overload of crew and testosterone.

With both of the Gallagher brothers, Jay Kay and Robbie packed in the confined space of an Open 60 something was bound to give, though no one would have placed bets on it being Noel's nose (or at least not your truly - looks like thats another hundred bucks Buff's never going to see again).

At the request of the organising committee it was arranged they would transfer to the girls boat. But it was not to be.

In an unexpected development it wasn't a one way transfer, and when the two boats went their separate ways each had three occupants.

Seemed like Madonna accepted an invite from Noel and Liam to join them, leaving Kylie with her two men sailing off into the sunset.

Now there are many of those that say good on ya pint-sized! After the cancer scare and the men trouble thats just what the love doctor ordered.

But the race committee is checking the rules and it looks bad news for both boats. You've got to end the race with the same crew with no outside assistance.

It also look like there's more trouble looming for the brothers on "Definitely Will Be". The news that they are being joined by Madonna is not going down well with their other halves, currently sailing nearby on the All Saints sponsored "Sinners and Sailors".

Looks like there could be yet another rendezvous and crew swap coming.

Watch this space!

Celebrity Yacht Race - Four is Two Too Many

There's drama on "Definitely Will Be". The entry by the Gallagher brothers in the Celebrity Yacht Race, from Monaco to Miami, is paying for its noble rescue of Jay Kay and Robbie as their boat sank after a storm in the Med.

Full story from our resident expert, Buff Staysail. Time to get a BS update:

Howdy Folks! Buff Staysail here, in Tenerife and in the buff! [Ed: too much info BS!]

Yes, it's no secret the crews of Definitely Will Be and Wild Boys had bad blood before they were forced into each others company in the confined space of an Open 60.

Who can forget the incident at the crew party? Now its not unknown for the on water rivalry of competitive world of yacht racing to spill over into personal vendetta's - look at the classic antagony between Mike Golding and Alex Thomson in the Velux 5 Oceans. But for them the experience of a sinking and dismasting has brought them together. It was not so for our hot-house of celebrities.

After Jay Kay and Robbie were rescued by Liam and Noel the pressure has been rising steadily. The Manchester boys were keen to keep on racing, and the rules are clear - the visitors from "Wild Boys" can't be involved in running the boat.

So they have had a chance to catch up on their sleep, do some sunbathing, and even a little fishing.

None of these have gone down well with the working crew, having to get up on watch in the middle of the night, struggling with sails, and not least of all, getting hungry as the food supplies had to be rationed.

Hence the fishing. And its meant to be good fishing waters: JP told me all sort of tall stories from the Arc and how they caught any number of doradas [Ed - all true!], and jolly good fresh from the sea.

Robbie really got into the fishing thing - said he found it relaxing to sit at the stern of the yacht, watching the line disappear into the rolling waves that relentlessly follow a boat crossing the Atlantic from the Canary Islands.

But he had real trouble landing them. The Gallaghers sneered that was 'cos he was a wimp, but in his defense its really hard to reel in when a boat is fully powered up. So Jay Kay argued that they should slow the boat down, which meant taking down the spinnaker.

Now of course that didn't go down well with the racing brothers. Words were exchanged and voices became raised.

Its hard to get a true account of what happened next, but the following is undeniable. Noel picked up a winch handle - weapon of choice on offshore races - and waved it at Robbie. He says it was only a warning, but Robbie says it only missed him by millimetres, so he jumped back and climbed over the cockpit to get to the foredeck and safety.

However Noel followed, waving the winch handle at him, only to trip over the downhawl, which crashed him down nose first, which was broken with blood all over the deck.

Meanwhile Liam and Jay Kay exchanged a couple of blows with no clear winner though Liam almost fell overboard and Jay Kay was almost banged his head on the boom!

Clearly this is a situation that is too explosive to survive the thousands of miles remaining to Miami.

The race organisers have stepped in and asked for volunteers to take the crew of "Wild Boys" and I'm glad to report that the ladies of "Re-invention", Madonna and Kylie, have spoken up, saying something about how they'd like a couple of wild boys around the boat.

They have changed course to rendezvous with "Definitely Will Be" (see chart above) and should exchange crew in the next 24 hours.

This is Buff Staysail, signing off.

Celebrity Yacht Race - Trade Wind Sailing

Its great trade wind sailing out there on the first Monaco to Miami Celebrity Yacht Race. The wind is blowing steady, slightly to the North of East, and the boats are making good progress across the Atlantic.

Already they will be experiencing for themselves the relentlessness of an ocean crossing where the heading is west day after day after day. I remember the start of the Arc as the number of boats in sight dropped off day by day till we had the ocean all to ourselves.

It can be a scary feeling. As part of the Arc there was a safety briefing that included a demo of how to be picked up helicopter. Afterwards I asked the instructor what its range was. "500 miles", I was told, "return journey".

So after 250 NM there's no chance of a quick escape, and what remains of the fleet are now over 500 miles out there. They really are on their own.

And they are learning to sail these Open 60 beasts - or at least some of them are. In the last day we have seen signs that the Gallagher brothers on Definitely Will Be and Madonna / Kylie on Queen of Pop / Pop Princess have been checking their instruments. While the rest of the fleet are sailing nearly direct downwind these two are sailing 40 degrees off, which seems to be a smart move.

Ok they'll have to gybe a bit more but the the VMG is half a knot higher. Thats 12 NM a day, 96 a week.

The news from the official site is that the Madonna / Kylie have agreed on a single name for their boat. So its goodbye Queen of Pop / Pop Princess and hello to Re-invention, something both singers are well known for.

The other news is rather sketchy - talk of an "incident" on Definitely Will Be. If you remember the Oasis boys picked up Robbie and Jay Kay after their dismasting in a storm, and no doubt that's been one crowded boat. But there's rumour of a Ericsson style incident with a winch handle.

This can't be good. When there's bad news like this around, you know its time for our resident expert, BS.

More later.

Celebrity Yacht Race - Dolphins and Canaries

As the remaining boats on the Celebrity Yacht Race pass the Canaries on their way from Monaco to Miami one is behaving very erratically.

As can be seen from the Google Earth fleet tracker above two boats are far to the south. While they are going faster they haven't gained much in longitude and have the extra climb in latitude at the far end. However at least one of the others is worried and changed course sharply.

But one of the Open 60s is dodging between the islands - and for times like this we're pleased to bring back on-board our resident on-the-spot self proclaimed expert, Buff Staysail, known to one as all as BS. Take it away Buff!

Howdy folks! Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Boy is it good to be talking about sailing again after the last disastrous trip that's best forgotten [Ed: full story here] and hey JP bone to pick - what have you been telling my old mum back in Brisbane? Well, it might not have been you. They do have the internet at her nursing home.

She might have paid the cc bills you got lumbered with but she's going to charge me for it and boy if there's one thing thats still sharp with her its her memory. Thats two thousand bucks I'm never going to see again. I really need to get a real reporting job soon or there'll be hell to pay.

I guess I deserve it. One or two or three too many tinnies. On the wagon at the moment - how can you brits drink this tea stuff. Tastes of damp dish cloths.

Anyhow, yes, I've got the scoop on the wayward boat. Seems that "Eco Warrier 2" with Sting and Chris Martin have gone off dolphin and whale watching. There was this word that a pod was around the islands and they couldn't say no.

Now Chris Martin is so infatuated with them that he says his next kid is to be called "Bottlenose" but if you ask me that is just asking for trouble.

Then they heard how semi-submerged containers are the latest sea eco menace and they want to find one. Thats right folks, while most sane sailors avoid them like the plague they are out there trying to hunt one down.

Hope it doesn't sting them! This is BS, signing off!

[Ed: with puns like that, just as well]

Celebrity Yacht Race - Passing the Canaries

We're back! After a week traveling on business (JP) or recuperating (BS) it's time to catch up on what is already being called the offshore yacht race of 2007!

The Velux 5 Oceans has turned into a coronation cruise for Bernard Stamm, after the withdrawal of both Mike Golding and Alex Thompson leaving just the experiences of Sir Robin Knox Johnson for interest value - and frankly racing is a secondary objective for this old sailor. Though of course there must be a voice whispering in his ear that he won the Golden Globe just by hanging on and not sinking and maybe that will work for him again.

So all eyes are turned to the fleet of celebrities racing their Open 60s from Monaco to Miami. There's been no shortage of drama to keep the following media circus busy, with boats dismasted, disqualified, and of course subject to a drug busting raid.

So it's good to be able to report the boats have in our absence been sailing well in the trade winds from Gibraltar to the Canary Islands. As can be seen in the exclusive Google Earth based race viewer (above) the fleet have split into two apart from one boat behaving very oddly. No doubt the full story on this ocean wanderer will be told by BS when he finishes his mini-break in Tenerife.

The two main packs are betting on wind or distance, with most heading west-south-west, but two dodging between the islands. As can be seen in the forecast from Stormsurf below the wind is generally stronger to the South where the trades really kick in. But the shortest distance is actually slightly north of West.

So what is the best tactic? Is it to head south for the wind and take the hit of longer distance? Time will tell.

The one thing that seems undeniable is that us Brits are about to be hit by another Atlantic storm, the sort that makes my floor to ceiling windows howl like an orphaned wolf.

Time to batten down the hatches. And have a nice cuppa.

Celebrity Yacht Race - Buff's Big Escape

Just a quick note as Buff's not up to posting at the moment to say he's ok. I've paid his hotel and flight and Mrs Staysail in Brisbane will pay me back out of BS's savings account she keeps and eye on.

No doubt we'll hear more in due course from Buff and the race when his flight lands in the Canary Islands from where he can observe the fleet as it heads out across the Atlantic.

Celebrity Yacht Race - Buff's Drug Running Sensation!

Its been a nervous 48 hours waiting for the Buff-meister to check in. We even had a call from BS's old mum Mrs Staysail back in her nursing home in Brisbane who was worried sick, saying he hadn't rung her in two whole days! Given the anomalous charges on the credit card there was a time when we feared for the worse.

And we were right to be concerned. Due to time constraints its probably best to just cut and paste Buff's email straight in and you can make of it what you will.


You've got to help me JP, you've got to I just don't know what to do they've got my passport they'll be after me soon, god, the cockroaches, you've no idea how big they get. It's not my fault I swear, I didn't know what they'd be up to.

See it was like this. I was in this bar chatting up these girls and they were dead keen I could tell and they wanted to move on to this club, never heard of it but sounded real swanky just the thing that would close the deal you know what I mean and don't you breath a word of this to my old mum.

Off we went and it was all glitz and gold, mirrors and black furniture, not my cup of tea, but the girls liked it and we were getting on just fine and then I spotted the group in the next table were the shore crew of that boat "Rolex Posse" which caused all that trouble at the start when they wanted to call their entry something else so dammed rude even the sailors wouldn't have it. There looked a mean bunch too, called themselves the G-unit.

But I couldn't help listening to what they were saying and caught something about them meeting its crew, 50 Cents and Young Buck, near Casablanca to do some business. So of course I go over and say hi but they didn't want to know. But I thought I'd get some sort of scoop so asked them right off what was wrong with the boat that meant they had to get a pit stop in Casablanca.

Maybe then they guessed they knew I was into sailing not just any old hanger on, but after hearing I knew about Casablanca they sort of warmed up and chatted a bit about the race till one of them - I could never work out who was who - asked if I wanted to come along. Of course I said yes thinking it would be just like Ibiza and I'd get the in-side track again.

They said they'd take me along if I'd pay their tab - of course I said ok thinking it would be just a few beers but they'd been on Crystal all evening so had a sort of heart attack when they gave me the bill - and it wasn't to be the first shock, if only I'd known then.

They then went off to this other club which they said was a lap dancing club and again said I'd have to pay for a round if I wanted in and they made it pretty clear I would be in big trouble if I didn't say yes but they also said if the deal goes through they'd pay it back and some though that was some stiff bills for just a lap dance if you know what I mean.

After a bit I was pretty hammered and just wanted to get out and crash at the hotel but they wouldn't let me go, the old Buff magic I guess, 'cos I was telling a few of the yarns about sea life.

They liked that and suggested I tag along for the ride and fool that I was said yes, must have been the whisky we had been on. So right early in the morning, must have been nearly 4 ish, we got into their speed boat, pretty minimal it was apart from these two huge motors, and headed off.

I thought they were idiots, they forgot to switch on the running lights, and was about to tell them when my stomach had one of its turns. You know I'm generally a good sailor so must have been the drink or the hour of the motion of the boat which was right fierce 'cos once we were out of the harbour they really put on the revs.

So there I was puking in one corner and when I looked up they were cleaning guns! Can you imagine it! Of course I asked what the hell they were playing at but they just called me a pussy and said when got the heroin aboard "Rolex Posse" the could sail it across to Miami and no one would ask why they were a day late.

I almost blurted it out there and then. Those idiots had no idea that all the yachts in the fleet are tracked by satellite. So most likely the police would be wondering what 50 cent was up to and if they were asking questions then yours truly would be right up shits creak. Whether it was a fire fight or a drug running prison sentence either way ol' Buff was in it up to his eye brows.

We powered on till we say the Open 60 anchored by a sheltered bay with its crew smoking fat cigars on the cabin. The G-unit had the cash and the gear to do the transaction so headed into shore to meet with their contact.

This I could see was my one and only chance, and I asked to go too. They weren't at all keen but with my hurling left right and centre they could see the shore might be a good idea.

First chance I had I was off and just in time because not 10 minutes later the police turned up with speed boats and a helicopter and there was this right old gun fight and half the G-unit got shot and the other half nicked and your truly lay as low as he'd ever laid in his life.

I reckon they were waiting till the transaction took place so they had evidence on all of them. Anyhow I didn't wait to find out though you've probably heard all about the charges on the news.

So walked for miles and miles till found this hotel not much but I wasn't going to sniff at it as it was on the beach and was trying to attract the western tourist so they like the idea of an Ozzie from down under. Well they liked it until I presented my credit card and bang did the smiles go just like that. I say my credit card and yes maybe really its yours JP but it was a mean trick to cancel it you have no idea what trouble thats caused.

The owner here thinks I'm trying to con him and maybe he'll call the police and then god you know what will happen then I just can't risk so he's got my passport and made me clean in the kitchen till the money comes which I've promised it will and its just hell in there. The heat, the noise, they all are yelling and I have no idea what anyone of them is saying and then at night there's this cupboard sized room with a mattress on the floor and the cockroaches scuttle across you so you can't sleep and I just had time to get to the internet cafe and beg 5 minutes.

So you must JP old thing must ring the hotel and pay by cc I just can't stand it anymore. And get me out of here anywhere before the cops come round.

This is Buff in a right old mess, signing off.