The BBC's Diamond Jubilee River Pageant Coverage

The BBC has taken a lot of flack for its coverage of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Thames River Pageant - but was it justified? Let's find out with this transcript of an exert:

Sassi Tweet

Fab, thanks studio, Canaletto was a painter, who knew, I thought it was an ice cream! But wow isn't this great, like, I dunno hundreds of boats are like heading upriver!! I mean look at that!

Blurred shot of rain drops

Sassi Tweet

Look at that one - its really big, goldy and red. 

OMG I am getting soooooo wet! My hair is a mess!!

In the background the Queen's barge passes by

Sassi Tweet

But who cares? I'm an old Glasto hand! So isn't this exciting! Let's talk to some people chosen completely at random.

Cut to family with faces painted with Union Jacks

Sassi Tweet

So are you excited? Do you think this historic?

Family with faces painted with Union Jacks

Yes, we are very excited, its so historic-

Sassi Tweet

Wow, there you go, what real people think!! Ok, back to the pageant thingy!

In the background more boats are going by.

Sassi Tweet

I dunno, do those rowers look fit or what? OMG lets talk clothes - is this dress right or what? It's red, white and blue - geddit!!

In the background more boats are going by, bells are ringing, horns blowing.

Sassi Tweet (finger in ear)

I've been told we've going to listen to some of the music on the barges

Cut to the barge playing Handel's Water Music. After two bars cut to

Sassi Tweet

Wow, that's like classic or something, like really historic, like some of those buildings. They're, you know, like ironic or something.

Laughs

No I mean iconic, not ironic! Almost messed up there! We'd have to come back again next week!!

But seriously, isn't her Highness the Queen absolutely fabulous!! She's a bit like Madonna - don't you just luv her!!

Ok, now what's going on right now? Lets to turn to our boat expert Tim someone

Tom Cunliffe

Well that's a really interesting boat that's passing now, it was built-

Sassi Tweet

Wow, thanks Tim that was great, thanks, but now lets talk about tomorrow. I'm told that Kylie and Cheryl will both be singing live - I can not wait!!

Puts finger in ear again.

Sassi Tweet

Its been living history here, spectacular, joyous .... er... historic.... er but now its time to go back to the studio to mention Canaletto's picture again!!

What could possibly be wrong with that?

Diamond Jubilee: Buff's sad story

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Jeez, what can I say? It's not my fault, really, its that Laser.

It was all going so well despite the pommy rain, nipping in between the boring motor boats, having a laugh about how those rowers "do it backwards" until just after going under Tower Bridge (how cool was that?) I realised we were about to pass the Queen.

Obviously I wanted to do the right thing so stood up to salute at which point the stupid boat tipped over. I mean, honestly, who designed such a ridiculous thing?

So I goes head first into the drink - no dry capsizes here - but Buff had done this before, sort of, so knew the drill. Something about standing on the dagger board and then clambering in as it comes up.

Well I got back on-board ok, but felt this cool air around my privates and rain drops on my bum: my shorts and boxers had stayed in the Thames!

Fecking jeez was that police boat angry. You'd have thought the Queen hadn't seen an arse before.

Before you could say "transported for life" I was hauled away and spent the rest of the afternoon "at her majesty's pleasure".

This is a humbled Buff Staysail, just wanting to hand back to JP asap, over and out!

Diamond Jubilee: Buff's Web Cam

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature.

Well yours truly is unable to give a live commentary as I'm out there sharing the Thames with royalty! Yes that's right, Buff has a starring role in the big event.

But fear not, because Buff has set up a Web Cam thingy so those not actually in London today (yes I mean you JP) can watch the proceedings.

If it gets stuck just hit F5 to refresh.

Now I've got to go - there's a Diamond Jubilee out there with Buff's name on it.

This is Buff Staysail, over and out!

Diamond Jubilee: Buff's in the flotilla!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Yes, you heard that right - Buff has a place in the once in a lifetime - jeez, who am I kidding - once in three hundred years event!! The 1,000 boat Queen's Diamond Jubilee Pageant on the Thames - or regatta, I'm so excited I can't work out which - will now include yours truly.

I was just doing my journo bit, pounding the towpath getting quotes from the organisers and participants when what should I hear but "Laser for Mr Tillerman? Laser for Mr Tillerman?"

As a celebrity sailor and one time attendee on the Tillerman Laser Master's Course it was clear where my duty lay.

"Here I am" I said. "I'm Tillerman."

After signing a few forms the Laser was mine and I headed out onto the Thames, ready to play my part!!

Come back tomorrow to hear how it went!

This is Buff Staysail, Queen's Diamond Jubilee pageant participant, over and out!!


ps - sorry JP, won't be able to do that live commentary. But don't worry, I've a web cam all set up

Buff's 50 Rules of Boating

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Ok, I've got a beer in my hand, its Friday evening, and its time for Buff to let you into a few of the secrets of my success. How was it that I got my own shown on Queensland Community TV? You've got to know THE RULES!!

And here they are:

1. Obey the rules, but only if you want to. They're more like the pirate's code, i.e. guidelines. I mean you don't want to end up like my ma, do this, do that, "be home by 9 sharp or I'll lock the door". Jeez, I mean I was 27!

2. Lead by example - and I do, living life the Buff way!!

3. Guide the uninitiated - "mine's a beer, cheers mate"

4. Don't say you're into water sports; for some reason people will smirk.

5. BIFF - Boating is fucking fantastic fun!!! I mean all this baloney about HTFU, jeez, what have they got to prove? Buff doesn't need to play that game.

6. Don't sail a Laser - they're too small for an adult and yet too big to get the right way up when they flip over (which they inevitably will)

7. Don't go kayaking - the cockpits are always too small to squeeze into, you have to wear a skirt and for some reason I always flip over upside down, stupid bloody things

8. Don't row - you face the wrong way, it makes you feel sick, it tips over if you sneeze and rowers barf on about pain as if they like it

9. Do become an internationally renown sailing journo / tv celebrity as then you don't have to do any of the above

10. Never go out in bad weather - jeez, didn't you read my post on navigation? Weather should be like this:

11. In particular never ever ever go frostbiting. The only place frost should be is on the outside of your beer glass

12. The correct number of drinks is n+1 where n is the number of drinks you've had so far

13. A real sailor drinks beer

14. You can drink beer at any time - before sailing, during sailing or after sailing

15. You can drink white wine only when you've got lady company

16. You should order bubbly when you win the lotto or your lady company is rich

17. Red wine is for steak and chips

18. Cocktails are wonderful, but never admit to that as they're a bit girly, though of course lots of flirting fun to be with had with their suggestive names

19. Speedos are essential Buff wear - see figure above, ain't that fab! After all what is better to look at, a micro-bikini or an all-in-one cover it all up?

20. Don't bother with suncream, boring stuff for wimps. Red is a great colour

21. Oh, and if you've gone all red then definitely wear white, its a great combination.

22. Shades, yup, you want to keep these on all the time. After a night on the tile its mighty bright out there, plus you can doze off when you want to

23. Only buy lots and lots of pairs as you'll leave them all over the place.

24. Its really cool to buy gear from, say, the America's Cup, as people will think you were on the team.

25. Buying team stuff together with dropping into the conversation you're a TV star with his own shown and soon you're be considered a legend!!

26. Hats are a pain as they blow off your head in anything over a force 2

27. But they're just the ticket if, like Buff, you're commentating on the race from the shore

28. In particular hats are a must-have for those, er, a bit, er, thinner on the top if you know what I mean

29. Tan lines are great - women really appreciate it if you to ask if you can see theirs

30. Knee pads are essential for boats with wooden decks

31. SHOUT A LOT when in a race: it doesn't matter what or when. Try yelling out "starboard" and "water" even if its not the right moment (and jeez, who knows when is) as it will distract other sailors.

32. The race committee is filled with idiots who are as blind as a bat and usually get it wrong. I mean I never touched that buoy!!

33. Stickers are fantastic way to identify which boat is yours: Lasers all look the same to me.

34. Sailing at night is a must. Remember that yachting includes motor boats and motor boats include cruise ships and its easy peasy. Just take the ferry to Spain.

35. What happens on the towpath (*), stays on the towpath. Yes Tanya, I mean you!!

 (*) or sail locker, Hooter's bar, stairwell of Holiday Inn etc etc etc

36. Most clubs are full of officious types who like to do all the work so you shouldn't volunteer for anything

37. Peeing off the side of a boat is the sign of a man

38. Peeing off the side of a boat in the middle of a tight fleet of boats is a bit gross, I'll admit that

39. Peeing off the side of a boat when alone on deck at night is not a good idea (believe me, I found out the hard way!!)

40. Mates come first. Unless they're douche bags.

41. Mates understand if you have to ditch them for a hot shiela

42. Its not the size of your audience that matters, its the number of hours of TV you broadcast

43. No, YouTube doesn't count

44. TV is so much better than Twitter, FaceFriend or blogging!!!

45. Any race can be made more exciting by imitating Michael Jackson or other top celebs on Channel 16!!

46. If that doesn't work you could use your VHF radio for an emergency karaoke session!

47. Don't let your ma join you when you go sailing. It just spoils things

48. Keep an eye out for that special someone - you don't know when she might appear!!

49. Remember, it always seems a good idea at the time.

50. How difficult can it be?

So there you go!! Buff's rules of boating. I might have a ponder for a bit over another stubbie and see if they can be polished up.

This is Buff Staysail, rule master, over and out!!

Buff Staysail admits "I was the second swimmer"

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Well there's been all these rumours about me and the swimming incident so lets get it all out in the open.

I was enjoying a quiet pint or four (maybe five) with my new chums Oz Clarke and James May (above) at the Dove pub, discussing our lives as leading journos slash media experts, waiting for the 158th University Boat Race to start.

They were very supportive and over the sixth pint kept encouraging me to be ready to report for Queensland Community TV - indeed I think Oz said "I really think you should go now" - when James bet me a bottle of bubbly I couldn't swim out to the boats as they rowed passed and interview the crews.

Yours truly of course rose to the challenge: after all, how difficult could it be?

So I pushed through the crowds to get to the waterline just in time to see the Oxford and Cambridge crews flash by - 'strewth they can sure motor!!

Fortunately there was that incident with the other swimmer so they stopped the race which gave me the chance I needed. Quickly I stripped down to my custom "Total BS" boxers and was down the landing ramp, into the water, ready to ask them "how do you think its going so far?"

Unfortunately due to some obscure health and safety issue at this point the local coppers came forward and said something on the lines of "you're nicked sunshine" and before I had time to get that scoop found myself sped away in the police boat.

I of course explained I was a famous journo, friend of the likes of Oz Clarke and James May, at which point this really scary lawyer from the BBC appeared who found some typo in the arrest warrant then made me sign something called a non-disclosure agreement, which I think means this story is a genuine exclusive!!

And that's all there is to it.

I'm sure many hacks were jealous that they hadn't come up with the idea of interviewing the crews mid race by swimming out into the Thames so refused to cover this story.

But I of course know the truth!

This is Buff Staysail with a boat race EXCLUSIVE, over and out.

Build your own Cutty Sark!!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Now that the truth is finally out (see previous post) we can move this blog to a higher gear! And what better place to start than a build your own boat project to keep you busy now the evenings are getting longer!!

And Buff's got a cracker for you - nothing less than construction of a replica of the famous Cutty Sark!

Can you imagine the excitement you will get as you set sail for the first time in your brand new tea clipper! Watch your neighbours go green with envy as this three masted classic is put together piece by piece in your driveway!!

Over the next 3293 weeks we will be learning the key skills of boat building. To prepare you need just a few basic tools:
- hammer
- nails
- saw
- iron foundry
- rock elm wood
- pitch pine wood
- canvas (misc)
- tar
- paint
- brush

Sign up now!!!

This is Buff Staysail, master ship builder, over and out!!

Buff comes clean

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Ok, there's something I've got to get off my chest. Thing is, this JP character is made up!

That's right, he's a figment of ol' Buff's fertile imagination.

It seems that it's just O'Docker that worked this out though surely it was obvious. I mean JP is too square to be real. And unlike Buff he doesn't even own a sail boat!!

But what does Buff own? I hear you ask.

Well have a look at the beauty above. I'm not sure what first attracted Buff to this day boat but she sure looks like a stunner! And you can see my lovely GF Natasha sunbathing on the stern!

This Captain Buff, for real, over and out!!

The Don Giovanni pitch at the Oscars

INT: the Oscars. Movie mogul WEISUP is with his assistant YESMANN watching the proceedings glumly.

WEISUP (applauding)

Jeez, another for The Artist: Best Original Score. Well there was no real dialog so I guess they could put some money into the music. What ever happened to that classical number of ours, what was it, THE DON or something?

YESMANN

I think you mean DON GOVIANNI sir

WEISUP

That's the one. Is it a silent?

YESMANN

Er, no sir. There's singing.

WEISUP

What, you mean, like a musical? Who's the composer?

YESMANN

It's Mozart sir.

WEISUP (applauding again)

Jeez, lost another, we've got to up our game. I'll give this Mozart guy a ring.

YESMANN

...er... sir... that's not going to be easy.

WEISUP

One of these hard-ball playing arty types? Won't return your call or something? I'll find out who his agent is. Ok, fill me in, what's our Don into?

YESMANN

Well Don Giovanni's a real womaniser, seduces all the ladies....

WEISUP

I like it, I like it, he's really the victim, one of those sexual compulsive types, a bit like Shame, that won awards. We can have lots of hot women and its all "for art". George Clooney, he'd be great in that part, you'd believe he could score anyone.  Ok, who's the love interest?

YESMANN

Well there's Donna Anna, she's the one he betrays in the start plus he murders her dad.

WEISUP

That's a great opening, can see it now, we can get Jennifer Aniston to play the dumped girl. But we need someone tough to stand up to this Don and raise the stakes.

YESMANN

Yes sir, that's when Mozart brings in Donna Elvira. She used to be Don Giovanni's lover but he abandoned her. Now she's out for revenge but a part of her still loves him - she's conflicted sir.

WEISUP

Now that's something we can work with. I see her as Clare Danes - on the edge, borderline psychotic. You never know if she's going to kill him or marry him, popping handfuls of those green pills the docs have prescribed, right?

YESMANN

.... well sir, I'm not sure the director sees this as being about modern medicine and pills....

WEISUP (thumping the arm of the chair)

He's right, dammit, she's not taken her pills!!! She's about to blow!! This sounds great, Yesmann. But the humour, we need to round this out, can't be all grim.

YESMANN

There's Don Giovanni's servent, Leporello. He gets the best lines, but you have to play them straight, not Jim Carrey, maybe that Hobbit.

WEISUP

Not that creep that goes all weird about his precious?

YESMANN

Er.... I think the director was thinking of Martin Freeman, you know, Bilbo?

WEISUP

Oh him, yes he's good. Ok, tell me more, what's the plot?

YESMANN

Well there's this wedding of a peasant girl......

WEISUP

She can be Penelope Cruz - make sure the dress is cut real low

YESMANN

... and Don Giovanni tries to seduce her but Donna Elvira is there too with Donna Anna and her fiancée, and they're out for revenge. There's a decadent ball which turns into a rampaging mob out for Don Giovanni's blood but he escapes in the dark of night to a graveyard.

Here a statue warns him ....

WEISUP

A statue?

YESMANN

Yes, it sort of comes to life, and Don Giovanni invites him to dinner later that night.

WEISUP

I know - we can get Schwarzenegger and he can say "I'll be back". They'll just love that.

YESMANN

That sounds a great idea sir, because the statue, that's the ghost of Il Commendatore, Donna Anna's dad, does return and at the end of Act 2 he drags Don Giovanni down to hell!!

WEISUP

I like it, I like it!! It will be like Terminator all over again. Ok, so what happens in Act 3?

YESMANN

Er, there's no Act 3 sir.

WEISUP

No Act 3? But there's always a third act! Robert McKee told me himself at that MGM drinks reception.

YESMANN

Well Mozart only wrote two acts sir.

WEISUP

And you told me this Mozart dude doesn't return calls, that's right. But you can't end up with Clooney in hell!

(thinks)

I've got it, it's going to be great. We can write our own!!! As I see it this Donna Elvira broad goes after him, yup, even into hell itself. And no guns work there so she and Il Commendatore battle it out with swords, flashing amongst the red fires.

It will be like Kill Bill! Or Buffy and Angel!! All blood and guts! Even the devil is scared of her, right?

Then of course she wins and they return to Earth. Sure he's a sex junkie and she's psychotic, but together they work, right? And then Aniston get's her man too, and that's a wrap!!

YESMANN

Er.... yes sir.



Picture from: Covent Garden

JP puzzles Buff

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

What is it about poms and the weather? All this talk about it being a bit "fresh" and going "frost-biting"?

I mean take JP, off sailing over the weekend. Ok, it was helping a mate sail his yacht over to the boat yard, but there was black ice on the foredeck! Jeez, you never get that in Brisbane.

JP was going on about these new mid layers he bought at the boat show - what a drongo! Surely he knows the only point about boat shows is the bar.

But JP said he had a great time sailing under blue skies on an empty Solent - rather him than me!

This is Buff Staysail, keeping warm and toasty, over and out!

Its not Buff!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Well due to circumstances beyond my control I was unable to get to the Buff stand at the 2012 London Boat Show but JP managed to get this picture and boy was I hacked off! I mean he doesn't even look a bit like me!

And as for that hat!!!

This is Buff Staysail, for real, signing off!

Buff supports Puma!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Thanks to Tillerman for pointing out that the previous post could be misinterpreted. Yours truly is a huge fan of all things Puma-ic and has spotted one amazing opportunity for Puma - or indeed any other forward looking media aware sailing organisation.

Look at my track record - word craftsman extraordinaire. But of course today's multi-media facebooked flickred twitpic needs more - yes a picture tells a thousand words, or of course in my case maybe a bit less, say a hundred or so.

So how about this: blogger, journo legend Buff Staysail together with a photographer - but who? This is where a light went off in ol' Buff's head - how about O'Docker? He's the guru on lunar photography, photoshopping, you name it

What a team - Buff Staysail and O'Docker, let loose in the bars and taverns of Abu Dhabi!!!

Bring it on!!

This is Buff Staysail, back on the bounce, waiting for that call!!

Buff Staysail boycotts Puma!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Of all the bleeding cheek! I mean, jeez, what does a blogger have to do to get ahead? There was I, feet up enjoying a nice cold one when I read over on Proper Course that Puma have paid for ten bloggers to be flown out to Abu Dhabi - and NOT included yours truly!!

Instead they've chosen a bunch of fashionistas that worry about things like looking cool - jeez, I'm lost for words.

I'm into fashion too - Buff is known for his style!! Didn't they see my America's Cup World Series TV show???? Didn't they know that I'm already a "Volvo Circumnavigator"????

I blame JP. If he hadn't gone around calling top-notch TV shows like Three men do X as a "yawn-fest" or saying the DTLs in the most recent Volvo leg as "meaningless" this would never have happened.

I wouldn't put it past him (or O'Docker) to have mentioned that phone hacking incident.

Jeez, to think I could be now modelling swimming shorts!! Or mixing it with Hepburn!!!

That's it, I've had enough. I'm not going to buy Puma gear let alone go to the gym three times a week. A man has his respect you know.

This is Buff Staysail - over AND out!!

Buff's review of 2011

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Well that was a cracker of year for ol' Buff. Forget about JP's 2011 and have a listen to this!

Buff's tactical head has been shining for real with biz ideas a plenty. In just one year I came up with an America's Cup syndicate, property speculation, 3 tier competition services and Buff's Brilliant Buoys (TM)!!!

What's more I've seen the way the world works, no ninny me, and how wheeling dealer types must engage with those politicos, like. Remember the Mandatory Laser Bill? Well that gave me the biggestish idea ever - Buff for President!!!

Well alas that didn't pan out, but then Buff the Man has grown this year, you know, like spiritually. My quest for enlightenment brought not just the horoscopes for 2011 but also shown the need for a Taru of my own (still searching if there are any lovely ladies out there).

Of course Buff the sailing expert was in great demand. I gave my top tips on navigation and discovered I'd already done a "Volvo circumnavigation" of Australia (beaut). Maybe because of that I presented the world famous and totally epic Buff Staysail America's Cup World Series TV Show!!!!

Don't think there's any need to go on about the boat show incident, the Syrian lesbian allegation or the phone hacking scandal.

What can 2012 bring? I think its going to be XXXX Gold mate!!

Geddit!! Olympic year and all that. Oh, and any major news corporation looking for a legendary sporting journo to cover the games, just email JP. He'll know which bar I can be found in.

This if Buff Staysail, ready and waiting!!!

Cathy and Heathcliff - lost on the moors!

EXT: the moors where Wuthering Heights was filmed. Visibility is poor but improving: out of the mists come HEATHCLIFF and CATHERINE.

CATHERINE

Oh Heathcliff my love I fear that we have made a grievous error and are now lost upon these desolate moors! We shall die forsaken: what a terrible fate! But be comforted by the fact that we will be together, forever!

HEATHCLIFF

Alas it is worse than that - I will miss the footie!

CATHERINE

But what is this? A tree? Will it be a better signpost than those false rocks?

HEATHCLIFF

We must hurry though, the kick-off is mere minutes away.

So what can our heroes learn from this tree? Can you help them reach safety in time for Heathcliff to see the kick-off?

Wuthering Heights - Naturally

EXT: Moors where they shot Wuthering Heights. Moody sky with dark clouds driven by a fierce wind.

CATHERINE

Heathcliff!

HEATHCLIFF

Cathy!

They run towards each other and embrace.

CATHERINE

Oh my beloved Heathcliff, what raptures it is to be in your strong arms, to feel protected against the harsh world alone with the wind and clouds for company, my love growing stronger, wrapping around your soul to gain the nourishment that mere food can not compare.....

Fade out, then fade into:

CATHERINE

...and so my beloved Heathcliff my love is as strong as those rocks whose countenance is so like your manly face engraved as it is into my heart, by spirits climb as a lark blown across the stormy sky....

Fade out (seems like we were a bit hasty). Lets try again and fade into:

CATHERINE

...my love, my only one, for whom I live, for whom my soul breaths, and without whom life itself meant nothing, to be with you is to be complete!!

Beat

HEATHCLIFF

And I think you're right fit, lass

Beat

CATHERINE

Oh alas, woe is upon us, for as we have been engrossed in our love a mist has descended, cutting us off, as even an island with two occupants upon a sea of heather! How are we to find our way home to Wuthering Heights?

HEATHCLIFF

But what is this? A path, bound by dry stone walls on either side! And 'tis good stone work that, nicely laid.

CATHERINE

Aye, maybe these two walls can aid us in our hour of need! Tell us your secrets, oh ancient stones: which way be west?

So readers, can you help our young lovers? Which of the two walls should be on their left and which on the right if they are to make their way west to Wuthering Heights?

Buff completes a "Volvo Circumnavigation"

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Well there's a bit of good news! Seems like Buff can claim to have done a circumnavigation of Australia - a "Volvo circumnavigation" that is.

But what is a "Volvo circumnavigation" you might ask? Well check out the latest race's leg 2 to see for yourself. Rather than sailing all the way to Abu Dhabi the yachts are only sailing the start and end bits and in between the boats are loaded onto a ship while the sailors rest it out.

Now that is the Buff style!

It reminds me of that summer when Brucy, Wes, Dave-boy and me, all good mates, got totally wasted and after jeez knows many tinnies promised to take Wes's Laser dinghy from Brizzy to Perth.

After one last sail - yours truly included - we stacked the ute with XXXX and headed off to the outback. After many adventures (see route above - got a bit lost around Alice to be honest) we ended up launching that ol' dinghy into the Indian Ocean and saying hello to the Fremantle Doctor.

Then it was time to return back home as me ma was having one of her turns.

But Buff had sailed the start and end of the journey on both sides of the lucky country - so in other words I had done a Volvo circumnavigation of Australia!!

Classic or what!

This is Buff Staysail, Volvo circumnavigator, over and out!

Buff salutes Ben Ainslie

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!!

Thanks goodness at last those pommie sailors are showing some balls! Way back when ol' Buff was a lad sailors were sailors and had a girl in every port and would drink rum without coke. But the last of the old school were the Whitbread legends, and now its gone all pro like - you know, boring.

It's all training and families, good clean stuff, but not the sort of thing that get headlines. And what happens? Sailing gets a mere paragraph somewhere lost in the back pages. Jeez, journos like me deserve better.

So raise your sailing hat to Ben Ainslie for going mental and getting into an argument with a media boat. Buff says respect, mate!!

Look at those England football players - getting pissed, being caught with tarts, fighting (Arsenal even took on the US Marines), breaking things - and the fans love it!

In - ger - land! In - ger - land!!!

That's why Buff say's good on Ben and his brawl for raising sailing's coverage - BBC, Guardian, Telegraph, trending on Google News and Twitter - its PR gold!

I can hear it now, the sailing fan's chorus: all together now:

Sailings coming home, it's coming home!!!

This is Buff Staysail, reluctant pom supporter, calling out one more time:

In - ger - land!!

It was a dark and stormy night

It was a dark and stormy night and Captain JP said to the mate "Tell us a story mate", and this is the story told:

It was a dark and stormy night and Captain JP said to the mate, "Tell us a story mate", and this is the story told:


It was a dark and stormy night and Captain JP said to the mate, "Tell us a story mate", and this is the story told:


It was a dark and stormy night and Captain JP said to the mate, "Tell us a story mate", and this is the story told:


...............................


Normal service will resume tomorrow.

Buff's Press Conference

Recently Buff Staysail threw his sailor's hat into the ring to start the long road that could lead to the White House. Alas the press conference that followed did not go smoothly, as this transcript reveals....

Buff Staysail

G'day my fellow Americans! Any questions?

Undecided

Is Buff Staysail your real name or is it actually something like Islam?

Buff Staysail

Are you kidding? I'm Buff Staysail!! Buff by name and Buff by nature!!

Yachting World

Is it true this story we hear about you behaving inappropriately with the fair Sabrine during the America's Cup in Valencia?

Buff Staysail

I have no recollection of the incident you are describing.

Sacramento Bee

What's your foreign policy, Buff? How you getting on with your Uzbekistans and Azerbaijans?

Buff Staysail

My peep are on the case and have told me what to say.

Buff squints so he can read out the following text written on his hand

I love Israel above all else ...er... and my foreign policy documents will have ... er... the words "Pro Israel B.S." stamped on them.

Buff's Ma

What a fibber you are Buff! All this stuff and nonsense about being born in Hawaii - it was in the Royal Brisbane of course! Didn't stop crying for a whole day!

Buff Staysail

Ma? What are you doing here?

Buff's Ma

You drag me all the way from my cosy retirement home to hear you say you love this Issy floosy above even me!!

Buff Staysail

Ma, not now!!

Buff's Ma

You come home with me right now young man! And I discover if you've been misbehaving on those trips to Europe you'll be in real trouble!

Buff Staysail (exiting)

Yes ma.

Oh no! Looks like Buff won't be allowed out for a while.

Maybe you Americans have something else to be thankful for.